No More Why!

Chapter 15

No More Why!

Few months ago, I was complaining about my life being out of balance and now that it seemed so perfect, I doubted it. Apparently Jaimin and Taral were now together. If not, there was something obviously going on between them. And so was between me and Kesha. Even Sagar had a girlfriend. It all was so clear. That’s why I doubted it. I kept asking Sagar about Nisha and he was more than happy to tell me. The girl he loved though was a hated personality in school, turned out to be a very charming girl. Her father was working in a local newspaper and she offered me a chance to write a weekly article for the paper. It would have been only an internship or so called thing and I knew I was not going to get paid but the reason why I didn't wanted to do it was because I thought I was way too young to work. Besides I wanted to concentrate on my education. But She loved my poems and insisted a lot. "you have a great potential to write for a newspaper."She said. The way Sagar held her hand while she talked made me feel proud. He had more guts than any of us. He stood for her past. Much people don’t understand how hard it is to stand beside a person who is hated by everybody in the entire school. It took courage and he had it.  There was also someone else who seemed to have the same guts. Kesha. Ironically, the big fan of basketball was the worst basketball player. Ever. And despite of her embarrassing performances, she wanted to play in school's girls team playing the coming month for women empowerment. I told her she would support women more if she sat on the bench but Taral insisted her on trying.  Everyday, Girls were given a free period to practice and as most girls did not used it to practice, the court stayed clear with only one or two girls. I used to bunk maths class and go to the basketball court. Although, I wasn't allowed to teach her anything because as she quoted, “I know every possible thing about basketball. You don’t have anything to teach me!”, I didn't had a thing to. Besides, who could possibly win an argument with a woman so I considered sitting there and watching her as the best option.

On the first day, she was very excited. Trying to shoot the ball through the ring from the half-court line, moving a step towards the ring every time she failed. She was under the ring in no time and it was hilarious. She never had once, threw the ball through it but it was a pleasure watching her try. I couldn't stop laughing. But I wasn't laughing on her. Okay I was but also because I was happy. I had everything. Every last thing that I knew I wanted. I wondered was it all for her too? The ball rebounded on the backboard as she threw it and hit her on the head. I was concerned at first but then I let a laughter out. She came towards me, abruptly throwing the ball at my face in frustration.

“I don't want to play this stupid game!" She said.

“I love you!" I replied.

“Yeah. I know." Her eyes as still as a dead fish.

“Do you?" I asked. Her eyes still locked on mine.

“Do you love me?” I forced the tone.

“If you can put this ball through that ring..” she pointed towards the basket "..I do!”

I smiled and raised the ball, aiming with full confidence and the ball went straight on to the ring, bounced on it and failed me. Damn!

She raised her shoulders and smirked "I guess I don't."

I watched her. A girl not remotely dull even at the worst of her times, making me more and more crazier for her. I just wanted to grab her in my arms and hold her forever but the time suggested I needed practicing more game than love.

I used to stand out of the class before the mathematics’ teacher came. It gave her an explicit idea that I wasn't interested in her class. It was funny at times. I felt embarrassed though when Kesha used to catch me standing out of the class. Passing by me, shaking her head and not asking me to join her to the court but when she did that, she smiled and that smile was the sole reason why I used to stand there. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to be mature but it wasn't fun. I walked behind her and I saw her hand moving back and forth. It made me remember the time I stopped her in the lobby and held her hand with all confidence. I wanted to live that moment again. This time but, I wanted her lips. I believe it's the worst kind of relationship where you consider a kiss the purest form of love because no matter how true I feel it is, it turned out to be the single most beautiful thing that I regret. It had been more two weeks. It was a tiring schedule for her. She was the only girl practicing and even though she sucked at it, she was the only one standing for women. I felt proud. I cheered her more each day than I laughed as the days passed. She tried. Everyday harder but never did she basket once. She did once in a while but that’s what she said. I never saw her hitting a basket until the day arrived when she stood a reasonable distance away from the basket and her hands went up. She hit a basket. It was like seeing a falling star. Very rare from my point. She cried her lungs out screaming "That's how you do it bitches!" It was exciting. I was smiling and she came to me running. She held her hand high in the air and I gave her a high-five. She hugged me. Tightly. “I'm so happy”, she cried. I knew she had the purest of intentions when she came towards me, I had too but when her body struck against mine, I forgot where we stood. I unwrapped her from my arms, raising them to her face. I held it with all my mighty strength as my heart beated like a hammer on the wall. I looked into her eyes as she did into mine. I was scared. Very scared. Scared because her eyes didn't permitted a kiss. Confused because they surely weren't dismissing it. I closed my eyes to fail at my senses and the next thing I felt were her lips. Wet. Soft. Warm. Still for a while but now playing against mine. Her hairs tickling my nose. The one she used to tuck behind, the one that made me feel butterflies. My eyes as if staring hers through the skins that laid between. I was flashed. My eyes were shut but all I saw was white. I thought I was in a dream but no, I was not. It was real. It was she. It was me. And we were kissing. It was not a moment further when she moved her lips backward. I opened my eyes to see her. She looked so beautiful. So innocent. So Pure. She smiled at me and without a word, left the court. I didn't understand why she left but I wasn't supposed to either. Maybe it was a bad signal but I wasn't sober enough to get it. I was drugged. Drugged by her kiss. ‘First kiss, huh?’ I thought. I was blushing. My head was dizzy. I couldn't stop the voices that played inside. I ran towards my class and fiddled with my bag, searching for my book. Sagar saw me blushing and in the following next minutes asked millions of questions but I replied to none. I showed him what I wrote.

‘A Kiss that drugged me!’ I named the poem in it's very actual sense. He read it in a flash of a moment and went through it again and again until he stopped and asked me, “ You guys kissed?”

I nodded while my face blushed.

“In school?”

“On the basketball court.” I whispered in excitement.

“Have you gone completely crazy! If principal finds out, he’ll kill you!” He whispered back.

“Don’t kill the buzz! Nobody was there when we kissed.”

“You’re crazy!”

“I don’t care. Give me my book back. You were supposed to compliment me for my poem.” I replied with a heated voice.

“Ah. I’m sorry, it’s really good.”

“Yeah. I know. I’m gonna go show her this.”

“Wait. You’re not gonna give it to her right now, are you?” He asked.

“Yes, why?”

“Don’t you think that’s too desperate?”

“I know. But I don’t care.” I went to the biology class and I sneaked through the window. She wasn't there. Taral was but looking at me, mouthing ‘What?’ to which I mouthed back ‘Nothing!’”

I wondered where she was? I waited till the lecture was over and I asked taral where she was but taral told she left home excusing she had a headache. What was it? I didn't tell taral what happened because frankly she hadn't told me about them and I was a little childish when it came to that point. Deal with that. I’m not gonna change. I just went to my class and realized that the teacher was there in the class throughout the time when I entered and leaved the class like it was my bedroom. She bored me with a lecture. Blah..Blah..Blah! I wonder what was she thinking while I came in the first time. I waited till the school ended. Wondering what I did wrong. Confused whether I really did anything wrong?

I called her. She didn't pick up. I was worried but she didn't pick up. I understood something was wrong but I was so blindly in love with her that I didn't accept it was us. I went to the tuition, She wasn't there. I asked a fellow girl about her but she ignored me. I forgot she was a bitch! I peaked into the teacher’s house and my pounding heart relaxed. She was there. I badly wanted to talk to her but I knew I couldn't at that moment. She told me once how much a Hitler her uncle was about her interaction with boys. So I kept my foot out. It was eight in the night. I had no one to talk to. I wanted to talk to someone but I really hated that neither Taral nor Jaimin told me about their kiss. I atleast expected Jaimin to open up. I told him everything that I knew but he choose to hide it.  I would have called Sagar if he wasn't on his date. I didn't wanted to disturb them. I was so lonely. I kept talking to myself. Complaining and then convincing that she must have her reason. Maybe there was something that struck urgently. That tomorrow when I meet her, everything is going to be different. Great, maybe. I kept talking to myself coming out with numerous conclusion but they all seemed fictitious. By now, I knew I could call Sagar. But I didn't wanted to. Maybe I knew that his answers will not match mine. Maybe he will tell me a reality that I've been hiding myself from. Though there was no assurance that I was right but from last nine months, I had none that she did love me but I chose to believe it. I tried to fit my story in every possible situation and came out with every possible conclusion other than the one that said, She don’t love you. Move on! I wasn't sleeping when my mom came to wake me up in the morning and I didn't have the time to act like I just did. I was woken up. She didn't question it. I think she understood that something was wrong. I did understood that what was this something. I didn't wanted to go to school that day. I was afraid of facing her. What if she assured my doubts. I wanted to stay inside the bubble. what if she bursts it! She kissed me. Yeah, it’s truth. but that’s the only thing that stood by my side. Deep inside I knew she didn't. If she did, I would have known. I tore the paper out of the book in which I wrote my poem. It was my last attempt to make her understand how much I love her. I walked every step in a desperation mixed with love and the fear of losing her. It was her match today. The women empowerment match. I didn't knew that. I went to the basketball court. She was practicing with all her team that day. I stood at the spot where we kissed. I didn't call her. I was scared. She saw me and came towards me. I wanted her to stop. I knew it now. Every step she moved forward were taking her miles away from me. I was screaming inside when she stopped near me and we both were standing right where we kissed. Both feeling entirely different this time. I knew what she was hesitating to say so I stopped her. I acted mature. Maybe for the first time. I already knew what she wanted to say. I never wanted any moment to be our last one but I knew the moment right then, was our last. We sat on the bleachers. I held her hand. Her grip was firm on mine. We both now knew that she didn't loved me. Life wasn't complicated now. It was simply visible that she wasn't mine. I was somewhat mad at it but it was so clearly visible that I agreed my defeat. I didn't knew why I was fine with it but I was. My heart was pounding that It was the last time I would ever hold her so passionately. But it was fine because reality was clear. I didn't ask her anything. Not even why! because now I didn't care for the reason. I just knew that she didn't. And now I didn't care to explain her why I did. Why wasn't important anymore. She opened her mouth to whisper, ‘Sorry’ and that sorry broke me. A tear rolled down my eyes and I wanted to reply back with a billion words but I just shook my head asking her not to be sorry. We sat there for like next forty five minutes. Not that I didn't had anything to say but I chose to be silent. Because silence wasn't hurting. Words but weren't the only one guilty. Actions were too. People started to come around and settle in the court. She had to go. It was her match. I wanted to give her the poem but I knew it wouldn't change anything. It would just hurt her more and that was the last thing I ever wanted. I stood up and left the court. I went home. Mom didn't ask me why I came home early. Like she knew everything. There were no questions asked that day. They won a match. Of course they couldn't win the tournament. Everybody knew that but people said she played well. She made everyone proud. They said she wasn't happy though. I hope she be soon. I hope she forgets me. I hope it doesn't be that hard for her. I hope she gets the best of everything. I wondered why I couldn't hate her despite of how badly had she hurt me but I already knew the answer. It was the last possible thing she ever wanted to do.