Apologies & A Birthday Part - I

Chapter 11

Apologies & A Birthday Part - I

I wonder what's wrong. I wonder what happened. I wonder why it happened. I just hope it goes away. Why is life dull without her! It sucks that she's always infront of my eyes but we never are. I look into her eyes and I crave for her but I don't know why I saw it unrighteous to apologize. My heart was dying to be with her but my conscience knew it was wrong. Kesha, she saw me every day looking at her, knowing I missed her like hell but she had no courtesy to feel it. The problem was with me. I should have been more like her than being me. While Taral in her best way, begged me that she could talk with her about this. There was no meaning in it if Kesha didn't wanted to approach me by herself. All she wanted was to look me in the eye and stab me in the heart. Everyday of the week. Even on the Heavenly Sundays, she managed to do it easily. I saw my confidence collapse when I see her roaming around in pajamas with her hairs wet. To worsen it, she looked the cutest in them. I loved the Sunday morning tuition for one reason and that too was damned! Sometimes I felt like she was doing it on purpose. Bollywood, much!

The Cold days were started. The morning grew harder. Less sleep at night and early school in the morning made it worst for me. I applied for a short leave at school but the principal said I could only be given a leave if I die. That was so rude! Maybe I was the most undisciplined student in the school and maybe I have plotted to murder him before but that was Horribly rude! Anyways, that meant I had to see her no matter what my choice was. I tried staying away from her as much as I could, I even tried to stay hidden in my class during recess but no matter what, she would always see me and I would always her. If this would have happened before, I would have been the happiest person alive but now is the time I want to stop myself from seeing her. Only that could help me stop loving her. Okay, I don't want to stop loving her. I wish it was possible! but atleast I need to hold enough to keep myself together.

           ~

‘It’s her Birthday tomorrow.’ Jaimin said pointing Kesha who was waiting in the queue with Taral.

‘I know. I was waiting for this day from the day I was born...’ I said Sarcastically.

‘So, you are gonna talk to her, right?’ Asked Jaimin. God! why can’t he understand a bit of sarcasm.

‘No! you do that.’ I said a little aggressively.

‘I want you to wish her. She wants you to wish her.’ Taral sat down with her favorite item, Mendu Vadas. Actually, mine too.

‘I’m not gonna do that. And all she wants is to see me miserable. I'm not gonna be that either.’

‘Do it for me!’ She said with a puppy face.

‘Don’t you do that with me! I’m not going to talk to her. Besides If she wanted me to wish her, she would have atleast talked to me after she returned. Did she?'

'No, She didn't. But did you? Did you go to her? Have you thought that maybe she was embarrassed enough to start a conversation with you again?

'Yes. She's totally right' Jaimin added.

'Okay great! Now both of my best friends will force me to talk to a girl, I introduced to them. Why? because I'm the biggest loser Alive.’

‘Why are you acting like you don't care? You know you love her! I can't believe you are the same person who came to me, begging me to make her sit infront of your table at the canteen so you can see her during break and hear her chatting nonsense and though we both knew how cheap that idea was, you did that! I did that! And all Because you loved her. And I know you still do. Why is your ego bothering you now! ’

‘Because she is acting like a B...bitch! The girl I loved smiled at me whenever I looked at her. She used to talk with me with the sweetest words I could think of! She used to hold my hand unknowingly in the theatre! And even at the worst times, she picked my calls. She understood that I needed her. And now, she’s acting like she’s not the same person anymore!’

‘And so are you! I don't know why do I try convincing you everytime. Go to hell!’ she said and left in a storm. Why does she have to do it in school canteen? People start looking at you like you just murdered someone. I walked from the place like I really did murdered someone. I knew where she was. I raced to the basketball court. No matter how much a girl seems to be typical, there are few things you know that never changes. She was hurt, she was mad. She used to be there sitting on the highest line, Under the shade of the greenest tree burying her complains.

‘Look I’m sorry! I’ll talk to her. I’ll wish her her birthday but that would be it. I Will not ask her why she didn't took my calls and I will not talk to her ever after that! Promise me you won’t ask me anything more.’ I said approaching towards her. .

'Don't do it. It's okay. I should have not forced you.' she Looked away.

'I said I was sorry! Now can you please look at me and tell me you're fine?' I Said apologizing. I don’t know how Kesha became so important to her in such a short time? How can I ask that! Silly me!

'I'm not fine. Finally after a long time, I see everyone back together. I don't want you to break our gang again. You brought her to me, made her close to me and now you want us to leave her because you don’t want to clear your problems with her!'

'I'm going to talk to her. I said that, didn't I? '

'But do you want to? '

'Are you kidding me? I want to be the first person to wish her on her birthday for the rest of my life. But not like this. Not if she doesn't want me to. I’m not going to force her into anything again. I know what it leads to.'

'She wants you to talk to her. You know that she does ' she said in a deepened voice. It gave me chills!

'I hope so.' I said. 'Come on now, you left empty stomach. We need something for you that you can eat in the class. Break is almost over. '

'Okay but you're gonna pay for both. The food that got wasted because of you and the packets you'll make me eat now.'

'Okay! You know what, Someday I'll just buy the whole canteen for you so you won't have to bother ever again.’

'Oh I wish you were a man of your words!' she mocked.

'and i’m Glad I’m not. ' I laughed.

The time started moving slow. I was glad, excited but to the truth, I was mostly nervous. I was practicing my speech at one moment, other moment I was reconsidering whether I should or should not approach her. Yes or no, deciding this simple thing and it took my whole day. I suddenly see myself standing in the lobby. My eyes at her. She’s wearing no uniform today. It’s her birthday. Her eyes are covered with black mascara, her face whiter than it ever is.  Rays of sunlight shined even more wherever she kept her feet. She has this expensive skirt on and the turquoise top on her makes it impossible to not notice how beautiful she looks today. Be it her beauty or she herself, I've forgiven her already. I’m wanting her back. I no longer see what's between us! I want to apologize to her. I want to tell her that she can or cannot love me and I’m okay with that. Finally she’s near. She is not looking at me but she knows i’m here. She’s trying to ignore me. I am growing weak every step she takes closer. I’m shivering now. My hands are not responding. She’s right on my side, passing, going, out of my sight now and I've lost all my senses. Other than my hand that still feels warm. I look towards it only to realize i’m holding her hand. I've stopped her. she didn't unhold. she hasn't slapped me. Her hair are falling back as she’s turning towards me with hesitation and as she looks at me, I notice the glowing tear on her milky white cheeks. I raise a hand to wipe it but she stops me.

Still holding the grip tight she asked me. ‘What?’

‘What..what?’ I replied in a confused voice with a terrible concern. The tear on her face was stabbing me like a frozen piece of ice in my chest!

‘What do you want?’

‘I..want to wish you, I guess!’ I Joked. Damn, Why am I so Stupid!

‘’Oh did you remember it or seeing me in this dress reminds you that there is someone you know you haven't talked with since what? ever? ’ she was angry. She had to be. She had all the rights. Damn! She was looking like a goddess! I didn't wanted to argue with her but I couldn't help it.

‘what? Of course I remember. and do you remember there is a person named Karthik who’s been trying to apologize to you since that day in CCD. Did you pick any of my calls?’

‘what calls? You did not made any calls!’

‘I called you Everyday! Texted you a million times and you never replied!’

‘if you really did called me, why didn't you came to meet me after I returned. Why didn't you asked me have I received any of your texts ? why did you ignored me?’

‘Ignored you? You stared at me like I was the first name on your hit list!

‘No! You were the one who looked away when I smiled at you.’

‘you never smiled at me!’

‘Of course I Did! why would I lie?’

‘Because you didn't! And whatever! Why the hell you didn't pick any of my calls. why did you switched your phone off?’

‘I lost my phone the 5th day I went to Diu! All my contacts with it.’

‘wh...where? ‘

‘on the beach!’

‘ho .. how?

‘Must have slipped out of my pocket’

‘why?’

‘Why? I don’t know why! It just slipped out!’

‘I mean..what! I meant what! I’m so sorry I thought you were Ignoring me!’

‘why in the world would I do that?’ She cutely asked. Damn. A sad cute girl is the best combination in the world.

‘Because I forced you. I forced you to answer me why don't you love me and I’m sorry about that. I have to apologize. I was stupid to be furious about you not replying back.’

‘I am sorry too. I think I overreacted at the Cafe.’

‘No it was my fault.’ I apologized. ‘ but why didn't you see the one I sent on Facebook then? I inboxed you in it.’

‘Oh. I haven't checked my Facebook since I was here last time . I guess that’s my fault. but i’ll love to read that apology letter.’ she mocked.

'Why? You don't trust me?'

'See this is what I hate about you. Always acting like a suspicious bitch! Oh god I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. 'she giggled. God, it was such a relief seeing her smile again.

‘Sorry!'. I smiled. ‘uhh..Come with me. let’s bunk the remaining class. tell Taral, she’s coming with us. and I’ll tell Jaimin.’

‘Ah.. No! I don't think bunking school on my birthday makes up to my values!’

‘Oh, Fuck your values yaar! We gotta Go!’ came Running Taral from the back of the library door.

‘You were Spying on us?’ I Stared at her.

‘Not ‘Us’ , I was spying on you! I thought you would never talk to her. Come on now Kesha, we gotta run before anyone sees us.’’

‘But...’ Kesha hesitated as Taral dragged her to the class and brought their bags. I ran to our class and got my bag. I had something in mind. I knew how to make it up to her but that needed a lone place. No disturbers, no spies, no rumour bags, Just us. We bunked out the school. There were many places in the city named bunker’s point, lover’s point, suicide points to get that but we had our own place. Yes we did not own it but Taral did. Her dad's farm house. It lied a few kilometers out of the city. There was a glorious sunset point there. I Promised myself it would be her best birthday ever.