From Kesha to Dhruvita to Cigarettes to Architecture

Chapter 16

From Kesha to Dhruvita to Cigarettes to Architecture

Kesha is gone. A part of me with her is gone. A lot of things happened after she left and I can't say they were particularly bad. Most of them were actually great. More importantly, my life caught that train. Which my dad was so desperate for me to catch. There has been situations i'm not so proud of. Stuff we did I'm not very proud of. But a year gone now and it has been months after but I still do wonder where she is and I do wonder how she is.

Since the Catastrophe, Kesha kept herself away from us. That was the only time I realized we were her only friends. And I was her only hope to a normal happy life. I wished I could call her but I didn't had the guts. watching her at school was the only time I fathomed how much I still loved her. Otherwise, It was just pain. But then, exams came nearer and silence hit everyone. Taral had it all revised. Jaimin didn't have to. I was at Sagar's while Kesha's phone was off. Just like ever.

                                                                                            

                                             ～

"Dude, don't worry about it. She'll be back. Things will sort out. Read!" Sagar had said before exams. And It was heaving my soul out as it looped in my head. It had not even been a week after exams when Taral called to devastate me by informing me that Kesha left the city. My hopes, few of which were left in me shattered in regrets. There was one last letter Kesha left for me with Taral. A letter? How dramatic! I smiled while I cried. I loved this girl more than anything in the world and I was doing nothing to stop her. I was losing the other half of my soul. So I tried to call her but she already had changed her number. Taral sweared she didn't knew anything about her other than that she left with her mom to live in Pune. Taral came to my house that evening with the letter in her bag.

"Dear Karthik,

      I'm sorry. I wish things were simpler. And I wish I had never hurt you. Last year was the best time of my life. You were the reason why. I'm glad that in this vast crowd of the world I found you and I know it's hard to understand that I don't love you. Honestly, It's even hard for me. I love you Karthik but it's different. You want something from me I don't possess strength enough to share. You wanted me! and I'm sorry but I can't give you that. Over the time we spent together there were moments when I wanted to clear this before you but maybe I didn't had the guts to lose you. But when you kissed me, I realized that if I'll never leave you, you could never leave me. I'm sorry that I kissed you. I should have stopped you. But I hope you forgive me. And I hope you forget me. Go ahead with your life. I hope someday, we will meet again.

       -Kesha"

I was smiling when I held the paper down, Taral said. I remember crying. It was depressing, the fact that I lost her. Forever. I shivered so much my voice didn't made a sound. Taral and Jaimin took care of me like my parents for the next few days. I apologized to them and they got to be the one who says, "Dosto se maafi mangega kaminey!" I was not so overwhelmed by the fact that we were back the same because we always were. Besides the fact that they were officially a couple was a little uncomfortable. I felt like the third wheel. 'Kabab me haddi'. The problem was that I was single. And I knew I wasn't gonna add someone any soon. Maybe ever! The thing about love is that; once you love someone, everything else is a lie to you. And with her she took away what I believed in. Lost as I was, I started running away because sitting there doing nothing only made me remember her and remembering her killed me more than anything. As soon as the vacation started, They started working on making me think straight. We were out for a coffee when Taral's friend Dhruvita bumped into us. How often do we think about co-incidences. There never are any co-incidences. We just are destined to meet, right? well this time, Taral wrote the fate. It wasn't hard to understand that we were supposed to bump into Dhruvita but I was least interested in her and I wondered why Taral did it when she knew that I always said that I will find my girl myself! However Dhruvita proved herself interesting in one conversation. A coffee with her once and she can win you. She was smart. Confident in her own ways. She was fun. She watched movies. She loved to get dressed for hours. She danced in the doorway and sang in the bathroom. She was a very happy girl. And being around her made me happy. and I knew that was the exact reason why Taral introduced her to me. But I didn't wanted to be in a relationship just a month after Kesha. It seemed wrong. Like I never loved her. At some point, I did wondered if Kesha was right? Is there no such thing as love? Does it just comes up with every girl/boy you be with? Was it all fake? Love? I didn't knew but It always seemed wrong. This wrongness made me hate her less and in a way helped me like Dhruvita more. And I didn't knew why Dhruvita liked me but I liked her because she liked me, she cared about me and she was beautiful. She had this strange way of putting her hairs. She had this cute face which concealed her hotness. She was extremely attached and she was a hand talker. It was cute how her hands moved more than her lips. And it was only a month gone, she was my girlfriend. It was that simple. Getting a girlfriend. And I stayed up all nights mourning for Kesha, Turning my world upside down for nothing. But It was different. It was love and this way simply attraction. Hormones.

We both knew, This wasn't 'The love'. We were all but clear that what we had was temporary and not permanent. We had over differences. She wanted something from life that stays and I wanted life itself to go. I used to count days from our first meeting at the cafe. I knew there was something gonna happen between us and sadly I knew it was also gonna end. Just how long can you cheat yourself, I wondered. 158 days it were. 158 days of love. Hearts. Kisses. Hugs. and Making out. No fights, no lies. It was perfect between me and Dhruvita until we decided to end it. Why? because those kisses were nothing compared to that one kiss with Kesha. For Dhruvita, the problem was me. If I had never met Kesha before, I think me and Dhruvita would have taken it to the next level but Kesha changed me and maybe Dhruvita was trying her best to bring me back but that Karthik, the innocent heart, was just not there anymore. Maybe it just dies with time. So we broke up. Yeah, we weren't smiling but there was no pain in the middle of my chest I felt when Kesha left. Maybe because my heart was cold now. It couldn't feel love. Or that it minded it's business that was to pump blood. An american author F. Scott Fitzgerald once quoted, "In the end we were all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness" I blindly believed in this. But after Dhruvita, I knew nobody could heal me. Because I wasn't wounded. I was just growing. 

Human behavior allows us to get addicted. Sometimes more but most of the time to one particular thing. Like once I was with Kesha, I was now with Cigarettes. Wise men will ask you not to smoke because cigarettes are bad for your health. They maybe are. But it got my train back on rails. You can't really understand how life works. It's all linked up. A kind of a ladder. You can climb a step one at a time but you can't tell where it will take you until you reach there. You can't really join the links upward. All you gotta do is trust life. For me, I had lost my trust on my idea that life will work out itself. You need to take a stand. Mine, Stood for itself. Unlike other social activities, Smoking was a thing that you have to do hiding. Smoking is not socially acceptable. The reason is not the smoke, Not the smell. It's the image people have gotten in their heads; Smoking is bad and every person who smokes is bad. So you need to keep it a secret. St. Xavier Smokers, none that I had acquaintances with used to smoke behind the end of the alley on the back of the school's playground. The thing is your parents will never spot you smoking but some neighbor of yours or some fucking relative surely will. Because that's their fucking job; Being Sherlock fucking Holmes. So I had chosen the same spot. What cigarettes do best is make you friends. And I made some there. Smoking friends. The smoking friends had this strange thing between them. They weren't so close to each other and they never tried to but they always smoked together. It was like the only thing that kept them all together was a bunch of cigarettes. Most of the people I saw smoking were actually better than the people who didn't smoked. They were honest, they were practical and mostly they were real. They didn't had fake fantasies from life. And they had it all figured out. It was weird. I was fantasizing to be one of them. Raghuvir, was the guy I envied. He was the guy who taught me why you need to figure stuff out. He came from a very rich background. He had his father waiting for him to take over his business but he didn't do it. Raghuvir used to say, Do stuff that makes you happy. If it's cigarettes, smoke them. If it's learning, learn till you die and if it's just sitting there doing nothing. Do nothing but never force yourself in doing things that makes you sad. He was sort of a philosophical guy. He told me a story about reasons. When he was young, his parents gave him every type of toys available. But he always played with Legos. Only Legos. He made houses, he made cars and he made anything but he would just make. He loved to design and build. He knew it from the beginning what he wanted to do and he was opting for architecture and well, Baroda was the city of architecture colleges. I was inspired by him but I never was as influenced as much as I was from the books that told me what Architecture actually was. I found the thing I was looking for. Creative, Practical, and Sensible. I researched a little and I was fascinated by it. It took efforts in convincing my dad for a career choice of architecture but in the end he was glad watching me thinking more practical. Convincing my dad just permitted me to get into an architecture college but it wasn't easy getting into an architecture college. Facts be known, I was not a scholar. I had to score but I was not studious. My way in? NATA. Nata was an aptitude test required to pass for applying in the architecture colleges. What I planned? I planned to put my face fucked down deep for this test. For the next 124 days of the year, I took NATA tuition and put up my every efforts in it. This were the days I really forgot everything and everyone. I was in my own universe. I was in solitude. There were boys and there were girls where I took NATA but weird as it was I don't remember talking to any of them even once. It was a beautiful time. I was not very bad at sketching, but finally I was being good at it. Sketching was an art I really wanted to learn because it helped me in expressing my thoughts and the images in my head came out and the more I expressed, the less I was depressed. Finally after 12th ended, I gave NATA and I passed with a good score. Raghuvir applied for CEPT which was the finest university of all in Gujarat. I didn't get any near CEPT so I waved up to what I had left about. And even if I could get anywhere, deep down I didn't wanted to leave Baroda. So I applied for BSA (Baroda School of Architecture). Now it was not the best but it certainly was something. You can feel the vibe just as you enter the campus. The faculties, the environment. The seniors. Everything was amazing. And getting into this college was simply a delight. It made me feel happy. and Happiness made me remember her and she makes me smile. Whatever happened between us, The best thing she did for me was to give me memories. And you can't hate someone who gave you memories. You just cherish them, remember them and wish they stayed.

New chapter coming soon

:)

Thanks for waiting

A Thank You :)

I started writing this as a directionless draft but in last 2 years, Slowly it started becoming a story that all of my readers enjoy. Atleast the compliments have been such. I deeply thank each and every reader for being a part of this and motivating me to write a new chapter every month even when I had no intentions to. Furthermore It will be great if I get more comments and reviews. 

The Effects of The Catastrophe

The Effects of The Catastrophe

'The consequences of any situation entirely depends on how you react to it.' It looped into my head. I couldn't remember catching it anywhere but I still asked myself: What if I had asked her why? What if I had kissed her again? What if I’d explained my motives behind the kiss? ‘Was there any motive?’ she would have asked. ‘No, It was heat of the moment!’ I would  have said. She would have smiled. I would have asked her,this time with a little intensity in my voice, why can't she love me and she would have said ‘I need time.’ I would have agreed and we would have waited. Waited for time to help us being us. All this either contained if or would. That was a problem. Kesha Thakar, the stupid thing that hauled my heart out of my body, still was the most honest wish I ever had. That was the problem. I might have tried to act mature but deep down inside It was me, Karthik. The guy who never could stay shut. The guy who never wanted to. Who never had a secret but now he did. A secret that hid his brokenness. A secret that defined him. His idiocy, His Foolishness, His Innocence. Having her back (Even though I never had her once for real ) was my only wish to Santas or Genies or whoever existed in our childhood when things were simple. Yet I was standing right there where we once kissed, where we last stood together , again today, wondering would I have chosen it if it happened all over again? Would I choose the same fate? Maybe knowing already what her words were, I couldn't dare enough to hear it from her. Shutting her up was the only way. However, I couldn't decide whether I did the right thing. This whole disaster made me too brittle to think straight. Taral named it The Catastrophe. It felt horrible. Not the name, it was funny in it’s own way. Horrible was to face her. She wasn't wrong and I didn't hated her or something but knowing that neither she nor I was in fault pricked me unbearably. I wanted to hate her but honestly, I cannot. I've tried.I cannot. I did my best to avoid her but only if she understood , I was resisting myself. To face the girl who breaks you just when you knew nothing can, is terribly awful. She knew that. And it killed me that she knew that. It would have not been easy for her too, I understood well but her ignorance made me miserable. Her voice never dropped on my ear ever again and it sucked my happiness like a black hole. This place, the existence, it all seemed empty. Maybe I knew that was what I needed but I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted her to explain. Like she did always. She was best friends with taral and she told her about The Catastrophe. Taral called me a hundred times to comfort me and told me why I needed to move on. Trying to tell me how much a better girl I’ll find one day.(How could have she understood the difference between better and Kesha? The only better Kesha was Kesha loving me back. There was no other Kesha!) She asked me how I was and I kept lying with every word promising her that I was fine.She told me how much she cared for me and asked whether she should come over. I denied. She apologized for what she hid saying it would have been easier for me if she would have opened up before! “I’m in a two months relationship with Jaimin Khandaria” She said, Pausing to hear my reactions. I had none. It was not a time for letting me know that everyone other than me were going towards a happy ending. She continued,“Jaimin apologized to me on that Sunday before you and Kesha came to me. (The word Kesha ached my heart like a tumor in my chest.) and as he held me when I cried, he asked me what was wrong with him? Why didn't I loved him instead of a douchebag like Dixit?” I was puzzled but I kept listening. “I was not in a condition to think about it but I realized he was right and then, I don’t know, we came closer than ever. Officially it existence grounded around our first Sem exams.” She paused this time for a long moment. I could see it. How they both were great giving us privacy everywhere. How they suddenly went invisible. Shockingly they were selfish, not selfless. but I wasn't interested in them. Not at that moment. Yet I asked, “um..Then?” She replied with one word, “Kesha” This ‘Kesha’ Struck with a horrible fear. What with Kesha? “She was a girl so yeah, she knew about us. The thing was, she asked me not to reveal it to Karthik, you, as she assumed it will give you a false hope that maybe someday, you both will be together.” “What!” I nearly shouted. “Why would she say that?” I was devastated. “‘Don’t you think one day you both might get along?’ I had asked her,” She said  but horrible as it was, Kesha never saw that day coming. Maybe Kesha never was brutal and maybe she didn't wanted to hurt me and maybe kesha wasn't wrong at all in not loving me but her words were so heartbreakingly dreadful, I was sobbing silently behind the phone’s speaker. She was afraid it would break my heart and so she promised Kesha, she will not utter a word. Jaimin did the same. No matter whatever Taral had in mind for me, It was the most terrible thing she had ever done to me. I was furious. Mad than ever. I knew I was wronging her when I Shouted on her over the phone on ‘how could she do that to me’,  but I was angry. I was lost and suddenly she gave an direction. A reason to be upset. A person to be upset upon. I had a fight with both of them. Bloody badly. They considered it legitimate that I was furious and it was their fault but I knew I was wrong. Yet again I was too brittle to think straight. It hurt me for what I did was wrong but it did more than anything when Kesha seized herself to every person that affected my life. Sagar said she didn't wanted people to disappoint me because of her. Sometimes I it made me feel like she cared. Like she ffucking cared. I wondered if it would have been a little better if she was a bitch because then I would have had a reason to be mad at her but she just couldn’t stop being nice. I wanted to go face her and talk out everything that drowned me but also It had no meaning now and hurting her was never my intention so I directed my eyes at the book on my table. Our 2nd sem exams were 2 weeks away and I knew I wasn’t gonna score. I didn’t wanted to anyways, but reading kept me away from thoughts and thoughts were all that pricked me because thoughts are who we are and thoughts are what we crave for!

A Kiss that drugged me! ( Sorry for posting late ) :)

A Kiss that drugged me!

Under the blue as the earth stands,

So does her remarkable lips,

Alike the moon her face so fair,

Waiting to touch the idea of eclipse.

Touching the delicate face of milk,

Wrestling the heart rashly skipping beats,

Torturing me with a No, her face,

lips hers like mine but waiting to meet.

Darker than the bottom of the oceans deep,

Eyes her still brightest did shine,

And though I could see them none,

I saw exactly, her lips on mine.

And Adrenaline pumped through,

blowing my veins, evading my heart free,

I had my eyes closed in ease,

having a kiss that drugged me!