The Effects of The Catastrophe

The Effects of The Catastrophe

'The consequences of any situation entirely depends on how you react to it.' It looped into my head. I couldn't remember catching it anywhere but I still asked myself: What if I had asked her why? What if I had kissed her again? What if I’d explained my motives behind the kiss? ‘Was there any motive?’ she would have asked. ‘No, It was heat of the moment!’ I would  have said. She would have smiled. I would have asked her,this time with a little intensity in my voice, why can't she love me and she would have said ‘I need time.’ I would have agreed and we would have waited. Waited for time to help us being us. All this either contained if or would. That was a problem. Kesha Thakar, the stupid thing that hauled my heart out of my body, still was the most honest wish I ever had. That was the problem. I might have tried to act mature but deep down inside It was me, Karthik. The guy who never could stay shut. The guy who never wanted to. Who never had a secret but now he did. A secret that hid his brokenness. A secret that defined him. His idiocy, His Foolishness, His Innocence. Having her back (Even though I never had her once for real ) was my only wish to Santas or Genies or whoever existed in our childhood when things were simple. Yet I was standing right there where we once kissed, where we last stood together , again today, wondering would I have chosen it if it happened all over again? Would I choose the same fate? Maybe knowing already what her words were, I couldn't dare enough to hear it from her. Shutting her up was the only way. However, I couldn't decide whether I did the right thing. This whole disaster made me too brittle to think straight. Taral named it The Catastrophe. It felt horrible. Not the name, it was funny in it’s own way. Horrible was to face her. She wasn't wrong and I didn't hated her or something but knowing that neither she nor I was in fault pricked me unbearably. I wanted to hate her but honestly, I cannot. I've tried.I cannot. I did my best to avoid her but only if she understood , I was resisting myself. To face the girl who breaks you just when you knew nothing can, is terribly awful. She knew that. And it killed me that she knew that. It would have not been easy for her too, I understood well but her ignorance made me miserable. Her voice never dropped on my ear ever again and it sucked my happiness like a black hole. This place, the existence, it all seemed empty. Maybe I knew that was what I needed but I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted her to explain. Like she did always. She was best friends with taral and she told her about The Catastrophe. Taral called me a hundred times to comfort me and told me why I needed to move on. Trying to tell me how much a better girl I’ll find one day.(How could have she understood the difference between better and Kesha? The only better Kesha was Kesha loving me back. There was no other Kesha!) She asked me how I was and I kept lying with every word promising her that I was fine.She told me how much she cared for me and asked whether she should come over. I denied. She apologized for what she hid saying it would have been easier for me if she would have opened up before! “I’m in a two months relationship with Jaimin Khandaria” She said, Pausing to hear my reactions. I had none. It was not a time for letting me know that everyone other than me were going towards a happy ending. She continued,“Jaimin apologized to me on that Sunday before you and Kesha came to me. (The word Kesha ached my heart like a tumor in my chest.) and as he held me when I cried, he asked me what was wrong with him? Why didn't I loved him instead of a douchebag like Dixit?” I was puzzled but I kept listening. “I was not in a condition to think about it but I realized he was right and then, I don’t know, we came closer than ever. Officially it existence grounded around our first Sem exams.” She paused this time for a long moment. I could see it. How they both were great giving us privacy everywhere. How they suddenly went invisible. Shockingly they were selfish, not selfless. but I wasn't interested in them. Not at that moment. Yet I asked, “um..Then?” She replied with one word, “Kesha” This ‘Kesha’ Struck with a horrible fear. What with Kesha? “She was a girl so yeah, she knew about us. The thing was, she asked me not to reveal it to Karthik, you, as she assumed it will give you a false hope that maybe someday, you both will be together.” “What!” I nearly shouted. “Why would she say that?” I was devastated. “‘Don’t you think one day you both might get along?’ I had asked her,” She said  but horrible as it was, Kesha never saw that day coming. Maybe Kesha never was brutal and maybe she didn't wanted to hurt me and maybe kesha wasn't wrong at all in not loving me but her words were so heartbreakingly dreadful, I was sobbing silently behind the phone’s speaker. She was afraid it would break my heart and so she promised Kesha, she will not utter a word. Jaimin did the same. No matter whatever Taral had in mind for me, It was the most terrible thing she had ever done to me. I was furious. Mad than ever. I knew I was wronging her when I Shouted on her over the phone on ‘how could she do that to me’,  but I was angry. I was lost and suddenly she gave an direction. A reason to be upset. A person to be upset upon. I had a fight with both of them. Bloody badly. They considered it legitimate that I was furious and it was their fault but I knew I was wrong. Yet again I was too brittle to think straight. It hurt me for what I did was wrong but it did more than anything when Kesha seized herself to every person that affected my life. Sagar said she didn't wanted people to disappoint me because of her. Sometimes I it made me feel like she cared. Like she ffucking cared. I wondered if it would have been a little better if she was a bitch because then I would have had a reason to be mad at her but she just couldn’t stop being nice. I wanted to go face her and talk out everything that drowned me but also It had no meaning now and hurting her was never my intention so I directed my eyes at the book on my table. Our 2nd sem exams were 2 weeks away and I knew I wasn’t gonna score. I didn’t wanted to anyways, but reading kept me away from thoughts and thoughts were all that pricked me because thoughts are who we are and thoughts are what we crave for!