From Kesha to Dhruvita to Cigarettes to Architecture

Chapter 16

From Kesha to Dhruvita to Cigarettes to Architecture

Kesha is gone. A part of me with her is gone. A lot of things happened after she left and I can't say they were particularly bad. Most of them were actually great. More importantly, my life caught that train. Which my dad was so desperate for me to catch. There has been situations i'm not so proud of. Stuff we did I'm not very proud of. But a year gone now and it has been months after but I still do wonder where she is and I do wonder how she is.

Since the Catastrophe, Kesha kept herself away from us. That was the only time I realized we were her only friends. And I was her only hope to a normal happy life. I wished I could call her but I didn't had the guts. watching her at school was the only time I fathomed how much I still loved her. Otherwise, It was just pain. But then, exams came nearer and silence hit everyone. Taral had it all revised. Jaimin didn't have to. I was at Sagar's while Kesha's phone was off. Just like ever.

                                                                                            

                                             ～

"Dude, don't worry about it. She'll be back. Things will sort out. Read!" Sagar had said before exams. And It was heaving my soul out as it looped in my head. It had not even been a week after exams when Taral called to devastate me by informing me that Kesha left the city. My hopes, few of which were left in me shattered in regrets. There was one last letter Kesha left for me with Taral. A letter? How dramatic! I smiled while I cried. I loved this girl more than anything in the world and I was doing nothing to stop her. I was losing the other half of my soul. So I tried to call her but she already had changed her number. Taral sweared she didn't knew anything about her other than that she left with her mom to live in Pune. Taral came to my house that evening with the letter in her bag.

"Dear Karthik,

      I'm sorry. I wish things were simpler. And I wish I had never hurt you. Last year was the best time of my life. You were the reason why. I'm glad that in this vast crowd of the world I found you and I know it's hard to understand that I don't love you. Honestly, It's even hard for me. I love you Karthik but it's different. You want something from me I don't possess strength enough to share. You wanted me! and I'm sorry but I can't give you that. Over the time we spent together there were moments when I wanted to clear this before you but maybe I didn't had the guts to lose you. But when you kissed me, I realized that if I'll never leave you, you could never leave me. I'm sorry that I kissed you. I should have stopped you. But I hope you forgive me. And I hope you forget me. Go ahead with your life. I hope someday, we will meet again.

       -Kesha"

I was smiling when I held the paper down, Taral said. I remember crying. It was depressing, the fact that I lost her. Forever. I shivered so much my voice didn't made a sound. Taral and Jaimin took care of me like my parents for the next few days. I apologized to them and they got to be the one who says, "Dosto se maafi mangega kaminey!" I was not so overwhelmed by the fact that we were back the same because we always were. Besides the fact that they were officially a couple was a little uncomfortable. I felt like the third wheel. 'Kabab me haddi'. The problem was that I was single. And I knew I wasn't gonna add someone any soon. Maybe ever! The thing about love is that; once you love someone, everything else is a lie to you. And with her she took away what I believed in. Lost as I was, I started running away because sitting there doing nothing only made me remember her and remembering her killed me more than anything. As soon as the vacation started, They started working on making me think straight. We were out for a coffee when Taral's friend Dhruvita bumped into us. How often do we think about co-incidences. There never are any co-incidences. We just are destined to meet, right? well this time, Taral wrote the fate. It wasn't hard to understand that we were supposed to bump into Dhruvita but I was least interested in her and I wondered why Taral did it when she knew that I always said that I will find my girl myself! However Dhruvita proved herself interesting in one conversation. A coffee with her once and she can win you. She was smart. Confident in her own ways. She was fun. She watched movies. She loved to get dressed for hours. She danced in the doorway and sang in the bathroom. She was a very happy girl. And being around her made me happy. and I knew that was the exact reason why Taral introduced her to me. But I didn't wanted to be in a relationship just a month after Kesha. It seemed wrong. Like I never loved her. At some point, I did wondered if Kesha was right? Is there no such thing as love? Does it just comes up with every girl/boy you be with? Was it all fake? Love? I didn't knew but It always seemed wrong. This wrongness made me hate her less and in a way helped me like Dhruvita more. And I didn't knew why Dhruvita liked me but I liked her because she liked me, she cared about me and she was beautiful. She had this strange way of putting her hairs. She had this cute face which concealed her hotness. She was extremely attached and she was a hand talker. It was cute how her hands moved more than her lips. And it was only a month gone, she was my girlfriend. It was that simple. Getting a girlfriend. And I stayed up all nights mourning for Kesha, Turning my world upside down for nothing. But It was different. It was love and this way simply attraction. Hormones.

We both knew, This wasn't 'The love'. We were all but clear that what we had was temporary and not permanent. We had over differences. She wanted something from life that stays and I wanted life itself to go. I used to count days from our first meeting at the cafe. I knew there was something gonna happen between us and sadly I knew it was also gonna end. Just how long can you cheat yourself, I wondered. 158 days it were. 158 days of love. Hearts. Kisses. Hugs. and Making out. No fights, no lies. It was perfect between me and Dhruvita until we decided to end it. Why? because those kisses were nothing compared to that one kiss with Kesha. For Dhruvita, the problem was me. If I had never met Kesha before, I think me and Dhruvita would have taken it to the next level but Kesha changed me and maybe Dhruvita was trying her best to bring me back but that Karthik, the innocent heart, was just not there anymore. Maybe it just dies with time. So we broke up. Yeah, we weren't smiling but there was no pain in the middle of my chest I felt when Kesha left. Maybe because my heart was cold now. It couldn't feel love. Or that it minded it's business that was to pump blood. An american author F. Scott Fitzgerald once quoted, "In the end we were all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness" I blindly believed in this. But after Dhruvita, I knew nobody could heal me. Because I wasn't wounded. I was just growing. 

Human behavior allows us to get addicted. Sometimes more but most of the time to one particular thing. Like once I was with Kesha, I was now with Cigarettes. Wise men will ask you not to smoke because cigarettes are bad for your health. They maybe are. But it got my train back on rails. You can't really understand how life works. It's all linked up. A kind of a ladder. You can climb a step one at a time but you can't tell where it will take you until you reach there. You can't really join the links upward. All you gotta do is trust life. For me, I had lost my trust on my idea that life will work out itself. You need to take a stand. Mine, Stood for itself. Unlike other social activities, Smoking was a thing that you have to do hiding. Smoking is not socially acceptable. The reason is not the smoke, Not the smell. It's the image people have gotten in their heads; Smoking is bad and every person who smokes is bad. So you need to keep it a secret. St. Xavier Smokers, none that I had acquaintances with used to smoke behind the end of the alley on the back of the school's playground. The thing is your parents will never spot you smoking but some neighbor of yours or some fucking relative surely will. Because that's their fucking job; Being Sherlock fucking Holmes. So I had chosen the same spot. What cigarettes do best is make you friends. And I made some there. Smoking friends. The smoking friends had this strange thing between them. They weren't so close to each other and they never tried to but they always smoked together. It was like the only thing that kept them all together was a bunch of cigarettes. Most of the people I saw smoking were actually better than the people who didn't smoked. They were honest, they were practical and mostly they were real. They didn't had fake fantasies from life. And they had it all figured out. It was weird. I was fantasizing to be one of them. Raghuvir, was the guy I envied. He was the guy who taught me why you need to figure stuff out. He came from a very rich background. He had his father waiting for him to take over his business but he didn't do it. Raghuvir used to say, Do stuff that makes you happy. If it's cigarettes, smoke them. If it's learning, learn till you die and if it's just sitting there doing nothing. Do nothing but never force yourself in doing things that makes you sad. He was sort of a philosophical guy. He told me a story about reasons. When he was young, his parents gave him every type of toys available. But he always played with Legos. Only Legos. He made houses, he made cars and he made anything but he would just make. He loved to design and build. He knew it from the beginning what he wanted to do and he was opting for architecture and well, Baroda was the city of architecture colleges. I was inspired by him but I never was as influenced as much as I was from the books that told me what Architecture actually was. I found the thing I was looking for. Creative, Practical, and Sensible. I researched a little and I was fascinated by it. It took efforts in convincing my dad for a career choice of architecture but in the end he was glad watching me thinking more practical. Convincing my dad just permitted me to get into an architecture college but it wasn't easy getting into an architecture college. Facts be known, I was not a scholar. I had to score but I was not studious. My way in? NATA. Nata was an aptitude test required to pass for applying in the architecture colleges. What I planned? I planned to put my face fucked down deep for this test. For the next 124 days of the year, I took NATA tuition and put up my every efforts in it. This were the days I really forgot everything and everyone. I was in my own universe. I was in solitude. There were boys and there were girls where I took NATA but weird as it was I don't remember talking to any of them even once. It was a beautiful time. I was not very bad at sketching, but finally I was being good at it. Sketching was an art I really wanted to learn because it helped me in expressing my thoughts and the images in my head came out and the more I expressed, the less I was depressed. Finally after 12th ended, I gave NATA and I passed with a good score. Raghuvir applied for CEPT which was the finest university of all in Gujarat. I didn't get any near CEPT so I waved up to what I had left about. And even if I could get anywhere, deep down I didn't wanted to leave Baroda. So I applied for BSA (Baroda School of Architecture). Now it was not the best but it certainly was something. You can feel the vibe just as you enter the campus. The faculties, the environment. The seniors. Everything was amazing. And getting into this college was simply a delight. It made me feel happy. and Happiness made me remember her and she makes me smile. Whatever happened between us, The best thing she did for me was to give me memories. And you can't hate someone who gave you memories. You just cherish them, remember them and wish they stayed.

New chapter coming soon

:)

Thanks for waiting

A Thank You :)

I started writing this as a directionless draft but in last 2 years, Slowly it started becoming a story that all of my readers enjoy. Atleast the compliments have been such. I deeply thank each and every reader for being a part of this and motivating me to write a new chapter every month even when I had no intentions to. Furthermore It will be great if I get more comments and reviews. 

The Effects of The Catastrophe

The Effects of The Catastrophe

'The consequences of any situation entirely depends on how you react to it.' It looped into my head. I couldn't remember catching it anywhere but I still asked myself: What if I had asked her why? What if I had kissed her again? What if I’d explained my motives behind the kiss? ‘Was there any motive?’ she would have asked. ‘No, It was heat of the moment!’ I would  have said. She would have smiled. I would have asked her,this time with a little intensity in my voice, why can't she love me and she would have said ‘I need time.’ I would have agreed and we would have waited. Waited for time to help us being us. All this either contained if or would. That was a problem. Kesha Thakar, the stupid thing that hauled my heart out of my body, still was the most honest wish I ever had. That was the problem. I might have tried to act mature but deep down inside It was me, Karthik. The guy who never could stay shut. The guy who never wanted to. Who never had a secret but now he did. A secret that hid his brokenness. A secret that defined him. His idiocy, His Foolishness, His Innocence. Having her back (Even though I never had her once for real ) was my only wish to Santas or Genies or whoever existed in our childhood when things were simple. Yet I was standing right there where we once kissed, where we last stood together , again today, wondering would I have chosen it if it happened all over again? Would I choose the same fate? Maybe knowing already what her words were, I couldn't dare enough to hear it from her. Shutting her up was the only way. However, I couldn't decide whether I did the right thing. This whole disaster made me too brittle to think straight. Taral named it The Catastrophe. It felt horrible. Not the name, it was funny in it’s own way. Horrible was to face her. She wasn't wrong and I didn't hated her or something but knowing that neither she nor I was in fault pricked me unbearably. I wanted to hate her but honestly, I cannot. I've tried.I cannot. I did my best to avoid her but only if she understood , I was resisting myself. To face the girl who breaks you just when you knew nothing can, is terribly awful. She knew that. And it killed me that she knew that. It would have not been easy for her too, I understood well but her ignorance made me miserable. Her voice never dropped on my ear ever again and it sucked my happiness like a black hole. This place, the existence, it all seemed empty. Maybe I knew that was what I needed but I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted her to explain. Like she did always. She was best friends with taral and she told her about The Catastrophe. Taral called me a hundred times to comfort me and told me why I needed to move on. Trying to tell me how much a better girl I’ll find one day.(How could have she understood the difference between better and Kesha? The only better Kesha was Kesha loving me back. There was no other Kesha!) She asked me how I was and I kept lying with every word promising her that I was fine.She told me how much she cared for me and asked whether she should come over. I denied. She apologized for what she hid saying it would have been easier for me if she would have opened up before! “I’m in a two months relationship with Jaimin Khandaria” She said, Pausing to hear my reactions. I had none. It was not a time for letting me know that everyone other than me were going towards a happy ending. She continued,“Jaimin apologized to me on that Sunday before you and Kesha came to me. (The word Kesha ached my heart like a tumor in my chest.) and as he held me when I cried, he asked me what was wrong with him? Why didn't I loved him instead of a douchebag like Dixit?” I was puzzled but I kept listening. “I was not in a condition to think about it but I realized he was right and then, I don’t know, we came closer than ever. Officially it existence grounded around our first Sem exams.” She paused this time for a long moment. I could see it. How they both were great giving us privacy everywhere. How they suddenly went invisible. Shockingly they were selfish, not selfless. but I wasn't interested in them. Not at that moment. Yet I asked, “um..Then?” She replied with one word, “Kesha” This ‘Kesha’ Struck with a horrible fear. What with Kesha? “She was a girl so yeah, she knew about us. The thing was, she asked me not to reveal it to Karthik, you, as she assumed it will give you a false hope that maybe someday, you both will be together.” “What!” I nearly shouted. “Why would she say that?” I was devastated. “‘Don’t you think one day you both might get along?’ I had asked her,” She said  but horrible as it was, Kesha never saw that day coming. Maybe Kesha never was brutal and maybe she didn't wanted to hurt me and maybe kesha wasn't wrong at all in not loving me but her words were so heartbreakingly dreadful, I was sobbing silently behind the phone’s speaker. She was afraid it would break my heart and so she promised Kesha, she will not utter a word. Jaimin did the same. No matter whatever Taral had in mind for me, It was the most terrible thing she had ever done to me. I was furious. Mad than ever. I knew I was wronging her when I Shouted on her over the phone on ‘how could she do that to me’,  but I was angry. I was lost and suddenly she gave an direction. A reason to be upset. A person to be upset upon. I had a fight with both of them. Bloody badly. They considered it legitimate that I was furious and it was their fault but I knew I was wrong. Yet again I was too brittle to think straight. It hurt me for what I did was wrong but it did more than anything when Kesha seized herself to every person that affected my life. Sagar said she didn't wanted people to disappoint me because of her. Sometimes I it made me feel like she cared. Like she ffucking cared. I wondered if it would have been a little better if she was a bitch because then I would have had a reason to be mad at her but she just couldn’t stop being nice. I wanted to go face her and talk out everything that drowned me but also It had no meaning now and hurting her was never my intention so I directed my eyes at the book on my table. Our 2nd sem exams were 2 weeks away and I knew I wasn’t gonna score. I didn’t wanted to anyways, but reading kept me away from thoughts and thoughts were all that pricked me because thoughts are who we are and thoughts are what we crave for!

A Kiss that drugged me! ( Sorry for posting late ) :)

A Kiss that drugged me!

Under the blue as the earth stands,

So does her remarkable lips,

Alike the moon her face so fair,

Waiting to touch the idea of eclipse.

Touching the delicate face of milk,

Wrestling the heart rashly skipping beats,

Torturing me with a No, her face,

lips hers like mine but waiting to meet.

Darker than the bottom of the oceans deep,

Eyes her still brightest did shine,

And though I could see them none,

I saw exactly, her lips on mine.

And Adrenaline pumped through,

blowing my veins, evading my heart free,

I had my eyes closed in ease,

having a kiss that drugged me!

No More Why!

Chapter 15

No More Why!

Few months ago, I was complaining about my life being out of balance and now that it seemed so perfect, I doubted it. Apparently Jaimin and Taral were now together. If not, there was something obviously going on between them. And so was between me and Kesha. Even Sagar had a girlfriend. It all was so clear. That’s why I doubted it. I kept asking Sagar about Nisha and he was more than happy to tell me. The girl he loved though was a hated personality in school, turned out to be a very charming girl. Her father was working in a local newspaper and she offered me a chance to write a weekly article for the paper. It would have been only an internship or so called thing and I knew I was not going to get paid but the reason why I didn't wanted to do it was because I thought I was way too young to work. Besides I wanted to concentrate on my education. But She loved my poems and insisted a lot. "you have a great potential to write for a newspaper."She said. The way Sagar held her hand while she talked made me feel proud. He had more guts than any of us. He stood for her past. Much people don’t understand how hard it is to stand beside a person who is hated by everybody in the entire school. It took courage and he had it.  There was also someone else who seemed to have the same guts. Kesha. Ironically, the big fan of basketball was the worst basketball player. Ever. And despite of her embarrassing performances, she wanted to play in school's girls team playing the coming month for women empowerment. I told her she would support women more if she sat on the bench but Taral insisted her on trying.  Everyday, Girls were given a free period to practice and as most girls did not used it to practice, the court stayed clear with only one or two girls. I used to bunk maths class and go to the basketball court. Although, I wasn't allowed to teach her anything because as she quoted, “I know every possible thing about basketball. You don’t have anything to teach me!”, I didn't had a thing to. Besides, who could possibly win an argument with a woman so I considered sitting there and watching her as the best option.

On the first day, she was very excited. Trying to shoot the ball through the ring from the half-court line, moving a step towards the ring every time she failed. She was under the ring in no time and it was hilarious. She never had once, threw the ball through it but it was a pleasure watching her try. I couldn't stop laughing. But I wasn't laughing on her. Okay I was but also because I was happy. I had everything. Every last thing that I knew I wanted. I wondered was it all for her too? The ball rebounded on the backboard as she threw it and hit her on the head. I was concerned at first but then I let a laughter out. She came towards me, abruptly throwing the ball at my face in frustration.

“I don't want to play this stupid game!" She said.

“I love you!" I replied.

“Yeah. I know." Her eyes as still as a dead fish.

“Do you?" I asked. Her eyes still locked on mine.

“Do you love me?” I forced the tone.

“If you can put this ball through that ring..” she pointed towards the basket "..I do!”

I smiled and raised the ball, aiming with full confidence and the ball went straight on to the ring, bounced on it and failed me. Damn!

She raised her shoulders and smirked "I guess I don't."

I watched her. A girl not remotely dull even at the worst of her times, making me more and more crazier for her. I just wanted to grab her in my arms and hold her forever but the time suggested I needed practicing more game than love.

I used to stand out of the class before the mathematics’ teacher came. It gave her an explicit idea that I wasn't interested in her class. It was funny at times. I felt embarrassed though when Kesha used to catch me standing out of the class. Passing by me, shaking her head and not asking me to join her to the court but when she did that, she smiled and that smile was the sole reason why I used to stand there. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to be mature but it wasn't fun. I walked behind her and I saw her hand moving back and forth. It made me remember the time I stopped her in the lobby and held her hand with all confidence. I wanted to live that moment again. This time but, I wanted her lips. I believe it's the worst kind of relationship where you consider a kiss the purest form of love because no matter how true I feel it is, it turned out to be the single most beautiful thing that I regret. It had been more two weeks. It was a tiring schedule for her. She was the only girl practicing and even though she sucked at it, she was the only one standing for women. I felt proud. I cheered her more each day than I laughed as the days passed. She tried. Everyday harder but never did she basket once. She did once in a while but that’s what she said. I never saw her hitting a basket until the day arrived when she stood a reasonable distance away from the basket and her hands went up. She hit a basket. It was like seeing a falling star. Very rare from my point. She cried her lungs out screaming "That's how you do it bitches!" It was exciting. I was smiling and she came to me running. She held her hand high in the air and I gave her a high-five. She hugged me. Tightly. “I'm so happy”, she cried. I knew she had the purest of intentions when she came towards me, I had too but when her body struck against mine, I forgot where we stood. I unwrapped her from my arms, raising them to her face. I held it with all my mighty strength as my heart beated like a hammer on the wall. I looked into her eyes as she did into mine. I was scared. Very scared. Scared because her eyes didn't permitted a kiss. Confused because they surely weren't dismissing it. I closed my eyes to fail at my senses and the next thing I felt were her lips. Wet. Soft. Warm. Still for a while but now playing against mine. Her hairs tickling my nose. The one she used to tuck behind, the one that made me feel butterflies. My eyes as if staring hers through the skins that laid between. I was flashed. My eyes were shut but all I saw was white. I thought I was in a dream but no, I was not. It was real. It was she. It was me. And we were kissing. It was not a moment further when she moved her lips backward. I opened my eyes to see her. She looked so beautiful. So innocent. So Pure. She smiled at me and without a word, left the court. I didn't understand why she left but I wasn't supposed to either. Maybe it was a bad signal but I wasn't sober enough to get it. I was drugged. Drugged by her kiss. ‘First kiss, huh?’ I thought. I was blushing. My head was dizzy. I couldn't stop the voices that played inside. I ran towards my class and fiddled with my bag, searching for my book. Sagar saw me blushing and in the following next minutes asked millions of questions but I replied to none. I showed him what I wrote.

‘A Kiss that drugged me!’ I named the poem in it's very actual sense. He read it in a flash of a moment and went through it again and again until he stopped and asked me, “ You guys kissed?”

I nodded while my face blushed.

“In school?”

“On the basketball court.” I whispered in excitement.

“Have you gone completely crazy! If principal finds out, he’ll kill you!” He whispered back.

“Don’t kill the buzz! Nobody was there when we kissed.”

“You’re crazy!”

“I don’t care. Give me my book back. You were supposed to compliment me for my poem.” I replied with a heated voice.

“Ah. I’m sorry, it’s really good.”

“Yeah. I know. I’m gonna go show her this.”

“Wait. You’re not gonna give it to her right now, are you?” He asked.

“Yes, why?”

“Don’t you think that’s too desperate?”

“I know. But I don’t care.” I went to the biology class and I sneaked through the window. She wasn't there. Taral was but looking at me, mouthing ‘What?’ to which I mouthed back ‘Nothing!’”

I wondered where she was? I waited till the lecture was over and I asked taral where she was but taral told she left home excusing she had a headache. What was it? I didn't tell taral what happened because frankly she hadn't told me about them and I was a little childish when it came to that point. Deal with that. I’m not gonna change. I just went to my class and realized that the teacher was there in the class throughout the time when I entered and leaved the class like it was my bedroom. She bored me with a lecture. Blah..Blah..Blah! I wonder what was she thinking while I came in the first time. I waited till the school ended. Wondering what I did wrong. Confused whether I really did anything wrong?

I called her. She didn't pick up. I was worried but she didn't pick up. I understood something was wrong but I was so blindly in love with her that I didn't accept it was us. I went to the tuition, She wasn't there. I asked a fellow girl about her but she ignored me. I forgot she was a bitch! I peaked into the teacher’s house and my pounding heart relaxed. She was there. I badly wanted to talk to her but I knew I couldn't at that moment. She told me once how much a Hitler her uncle was about her interaction with boys. So I kept my foot out. It was eight in the night. I had no one to talk to. I wanted to talk to someone but I really hated that neither Taral nor Jaimin told me about their kiss. I atleast expected Jaimin to open up. I told him everything that I knew but he choose to hide it.  I would have called Sagar if he wasn't on his date. I didn't wanted to disturb them. I was so lonely. I kept talking to myself. Complaining and then convincing that she must have her reason. Maybe there was something that struck urgently. That tomorrow when I meet her, everything is going to be different. Great, maybe. I kept talking to myself coming out with numerous conclusion but they all seemed fictitious. By now, I knew I could call Sagar. But I didn't wanted to. Maybe I knew that his answers will not match mine. Maybe he will tell me a reality that I've been hiding myself from. Though there was no assurance that I was right but from last nine months, I had none that she did love me but I chose to believe it. I tried to fit my story in every possible situation and came out with every possible conclusion other than the one that said, She don’t love you. Move on! I wasn't sleeping when my mom came to wake me up in the morning and I didn't have the time to act like I just did. I was woken up. She didn't question it. I think she understood that something was wrong. I did understood that what was this something. I didn't wanted to go to school that day. I was afraid of facing her. What if she assured my doubts. I wanted to stay inside the bubble. what if she bursts it! She kissed me. Yeah, it’s truth. but that’s the only thing that stood by my side. Deep inside I knew she didn't. If she did, I would have known. I tore the paper out of the book in which I wrote my poem. It was my last attempt to make her understand how much I love her. I walked every step in a desperation mixed with love and the fear of losing her. It was her match today. The women empowerment match. I didn't knew that. I went to the basketball court. She was practicing with all her team that day. I stood at the spot where we kissed. I didn't call her. I was scared. She saw me and came towards me. I wanted her to stop. I knew it now. Every step she moved forward were taking her miles away from me. I was screaming inside when she stopped near me and we both were standing right where we kissed. Both feeling entirely different this time. I knew what she was hesitating to say so I stopped her. I acted mature. Maybe for the first time. I already knew what she wanted to say. I never wanted any moment to be our last one but I knew the moment right then, was our last. We sat on the bleachers. I held her hand. Her grip was firm on mine. We both now knew that she didn't loved me. Life wasn't complicated now. It was simply visible that she wasn't mine. I was somewhat mad at it but it was so clearly visible that I agreed my defeat. I didn't knew why I was fine with it but I was. My heart was pounding that It was the last time I would ever hold her so passionately. But it was fine because reality was clear. I didn't ask her anything. Not even why! because now I didn't care for the reason. I just knew that she didn't. And now I didn't care to explain her why I did. Why wasn't important anymore. She opened her mouth to whisper, ‘Sorry’ and that sorry broke me. A tear rolled down my eyes and I wanted to reply back with a billion words but I just shook my head asking her not to be sorry. We sat there for like next forty five minutes. Not that I didn't had anything to say but I chose to be silent. Because silence wasn't hurting. Words but weren't the only one guilty. Actions were too. People started to come around and settle in the court. She had to go. It was her match. I wanted to give her the poem but I knew it wouldn't change anything. It would just hurt her more and that was the last thing I ever wanted. I stood up and left the court. I went home. Mom didn't ask me why I came home early. Like she knew everything. There were no questions asked that day. They won a match. Of course they couldn't win the tournament. Everybody knew that but people said she played well. She made everyone proud. They said she wasn't happy though. I hope she be soon. I hope she forgets me. I hope it doesn't be that hard for her. I hope she gets the best of everything. I wondered why I couldn't hate her despite of how badly had she hurt me but I already knew the answer. It was the last possible thing she ever wanted to do.

The Perfect Day

Chapter 14

The Perfect Day

Life has became boring. I study a total of four hours. And that is after school! It is good that I understand things now but it’s still boring. I try to catch up with my guys but on most days I’m just sitting around at Sagar’s, doing my work. He enjoys my company a lot. Well, who doesn't? heh. Kesha and I had a fight. A little argument it was. It turned into a fight when I disagreed to apologize. But where’s she going? Besides we always had this little arguments now and then. My parents though are very happy seeing that i'm finally concentrating on my studies. It made me feel good about myself. I did well in the class tests and my teachers now cared of my presence in the class. The principal lacked of reasons to shout on my face. It was funny how easy life felt when I started spending time with my books. On the other hand, my social life was losing it’s spark. But that’s the price I had to pay.

“You think it suits you? Sitting in a library?” Taral lifted my face up from the books the sixth time she asked me, this time uprooting my hairs.

"Man! why are you in the library?”  I looked at her in irritation.

“Answer me.” She was solid with her question.

“Look if you don’t want to read, don’t. Just let me do my stuff. And get the hell out of this library.” I said in frustration but quietly.

“That doesn't answer my question. You’re not a guy who sits in the library in free lectures. You’re the one who peeks through the window of our class and entertain us during boring lectures, mimicking the teacher. So what's with all this books? is it something about kesha?”

“No! not everything is always about kesha! My dad gave me a big lecture about my academic results last time he had a glimpse over my marks. I don't want it again.”

“ So? My dad always gives me lectures about stuff!” She consoled me.

“But my case is different!” I sighed. “You do it all on purpose. To grab his attention.”

“You should have not said that.” Her words hinted a mild aggression but it was pure agony.

“ I’m sorry. It’s just everything didn't went as I planned it.” I expressed sadly.

“What..what did you planned?” she asked softly.

“I planned that...everything will figure it out itself. I trusted time.”

“So do that. It will work out. Like it always has for you.”

“But...okay.” I smiled at her. She was right. besides there was no meaning in arguing with her.

“So, talking about figuring things out what happened between you and kesha this time?And what are your plans on that?”

“That, my dear taral, is personal!” I said in a British accent. Her cousin from England had that accent and she always mimicked him.

“Fuck You! How in the world can you have the guts enough to tell me it’s personal!” She yelled at me.

Our principal finally got a reason to shout his throat out at me. I was so angry with her. and she was infact with me. I asked her all the personal stuff and her reaction wasn't for nothing. But seriously, who yells in a library? And who abuses in front of the librarian! We stood in the principal's office for never-ending thirty minutes. It was a blessing to us when he finally stopped talking. Shouting, to be honest. We walked out of his office.

“Personal, huh?” she looked at me fiercely.

“It is stupid. I can’t tell you. You’ll laugh at me!”

“Just parrot out!”

“I told her I made a promise to myself that I’ll read four hours a day. And She laughed at me like I was an idiot .”

“So you’re mad at her?”

“of course I am!”

“I Don’t understand. Jaimin told me you’re not apologizing for something you did. What did you do?”

“Nothing. She’s the one not apologizing. Come on taral! I’m a guy. how do you expect me to tell everybody I’m upset that my girl is not apologizing for what she did.”

“heh heh! You’re so cute! Acting like a little baby.” She laughed.

“ You don't understand. It's important that she values my decisions. No matter how stupid they sound to her." She was holding her laugh as I was speaking. "Laugh all you want. And tell kesha I’m not having a word with her until she apologizes.”

“Oh you naive little boy!” She pulled my cheeks.

“Do you want me to call your parents or are you both going back to your class?” Princy shouted from inside his office. We ran for our lives.

To bring me out of the house of books, taral planned an outdoor attack. She knew how much I loved going out with them. To relive our Saturday nights, we decided to go to this amusement park nearest to us called ‘Ajwa Fun World’. It was nothing special, nothing compared to disneyland or kinds but well, what we had was what we wanted. A place to be together. As Sagar being a non-member of the gang, he was never before invited to this type of trips and was excited the most. This fine evening, he joined me as my date. Not literally. I don't know why I didn't expect kesha to be there. Obviously she was going to come. She was part of our gang now. I looked at her obtusely when jaimin stopped the car at taral's house. I knew she was never gonna Apologize and the question was not about being mature and all, It was about our relationship. If this was going to happen through and through, I would surely hate myself. She had to understand that in a relationship, she has to care about my feelings and no matter how girlish I appear, I knew it was right. I came out of the back and sat in the front seat. Nobody said shotgun on that day. Maybe because I needed that seat the most. Jaimin's dad just bought a new Honda civic last diwali. Which, he still without a license, was not allowed to drive but a licence was nothing more than a 500Rs note and it was not a big deal for jaimin now that he was rich. Sagar sat behind with Taral and Kesha. Lucky bastard. We were all on the top of our moods and never throughout the way, was anyone silent. While no one noticed but me and kesha that we were trying our best to ignore each other. It was sad. I sometimes thought why our relation, whatever it was always lead into sadness. Was it my fault? maybe it was her's!

The were at the place. The entry tickets were on me because I was being a bookworm for an entire month. I was standing in the line when sagar joined me.

"Dude! I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable with them."

"Why? Are they not treating you well?"

"No! It's not that. I'm just a little embarrassed. I mean what am I supposed to answer when kesha asks me is he fine?"

"What? She asked about me? What did you said? And dude! you're on my team. You don't answer her."

"I said I don't know. I feel like an Idiot. Why did you asked me to come if you didn't wanted me to talk to her?"

"I know. I'm childish. I'm sorry. You can talk to her. BTW What about taral?"
"What about taral what?"

"Did you get a chance to talk to her?"
"Yes. But why are you asking?"

"Oh come on! I know you like taral. When are you gonna ask her? And what do you prefer? A slap on your face or a kick to the balls? I'll convince her for that!"

"What’s wrong with you I have a girlfriend!"

"I know you like...What! You have a girlfriend? That's a joke, right?"

"Ahh..Yes! It is." he gave a funny smile.

"Who is she you hideous Fucker?" How can anyone let that slip out. Or maybe he wanted to brag about it. Dude! Sagar has a girlfriend and I still don't. Oh, I have one. But she hasn't said that herself so we're not we officially.

"I wanted to tell you but I was waiting for a time when you would be so screwed up, I didn't have to be laughed at. Nisha. ‘The Rumor bag’ as you know her."

"No kidding?"

"Yes. "

"The rumour bag is your girlfriend? "

"She's not that anymore. You know that. And the thing is that we really like each other. You don't have any right to talk about her in that way!"

"So is this why you know things that even I don't about the seniors?"
"Yes. And none of it are rumours."
"I always felt like you had a secret relation with someone from seniors. Because you like, never ever had an interaction with them and you knew so much about them."
"That's because she knows it. And she tells me because we don't hide anything from each other. Not because she likes to spread rumours."
"No dude, I'm happy. I know her. Maybe she was a rumor bag but she is a nice and truly speaking, also a beautiful girl." I hugged him tightly.
"Good going, Bro!”

"You've changed a lot Karthik. Do you know that?" I knew that. I realized how much I was changed since the day I met Kesha.

"Yeah. And I guess I can't be blue with the one who did it. Get the tickets." I handed him my wallet.

I ran towards her and she was standing there chatting with Taral and jaimin. She didn't notice me. as I was behind her.

"Kesha?"

"Omg! Karthik! Don't talk from my back. You scared me!" She literally jumped in fear.

"I'm sorry!"

"No, actually I’m sorry.  I didn’t knew you'll make such a big deal about that day. I never meant that to be rude."

"Big deal? No. I was just hoping...Ah, whatever! We leave it here. And forget it, okay?"

She smiled. How silly was I. Jaimin laughed. Sagar bought tickets and Taral made a inappropriate comment about me being the third girl in our gang. I laughed on that one too.

We jumped on to the rides. Starting from popcorn to ice-cream, it felt like we were kids again. I held kesha's hand on scary roller-coasters. Not because I thought she was scared but because I was losing my senses. My head was going round and round and I prayed that I don't die on that roller-coaster. Beautiful death it would have been though. Holding her hand! We drifted through rides that were not equally capable of killing me but frankly they gave me a dramatic fear of heights and speed.

"You cry like a kid, karthik." Kesha stated.

"what? those cries? It was for fun. I like shouting at heights. Just that"

"You convince like a kid, too" She smiled.

"I thought you were scared so I thought I should ..hold your hand, you know!"

" And you're dumber than a kid!" she said in her usual insulting manner. I don’t know why I found it hot.

"And you're Mean. Crazy, Short tempered, egoistic,.." Her face was wide open.

"Don't know why always dressed prettily, with your almond eyes beautifully shying away when you smile and...I can't imagine how to explain it to you without sounding cheesy but I'm Madly in love with you!" I said it. Without sounding cheesy too, I guess. Bingo! I was blushing inside. She looked me in the eye and her eyes were contemplative.

 

"Say something that I don't already know!" She walked ahead smiling. Oh she made my world go upside down. She was so witty with her tongue.

We eventually moved to the food stalls that were proving themselves capable of giving us aches in our stomachs as we lost control over eating those tasty items. Whoever among us planned to have pani-puri was so going to get abused by all of us. We were all exhausting as the hot chilly masala made us sweat. I drank the last sip of water passing an empty bottle to jaimin. Taral stated there was water in the car and went to fetch that. I was eager to ask Sagar more about his story with the rumor bag ‘Nisha’ but he would be embarrassed to talk infront of Kesha. He was a shy guy.

"Oh Damn! The keys are with me. I'll go hand it to her." Jaimin said and ran towards the car.

"Okay!" I replied to already gone Jaimin.

"So Sagar. why do you never come along? You seem fun!" Kesha started a conversation.

"Me? Ah..! Let's say I'm a bit late bloomer." Sagar seemed comfortable. I liked it. I always wanted Sagar to be a part of my group but it always stuck straight as he never was comfortable with people around. I wanted all my friends to be friends with kesha. I wanted everyone that I liked to like her. I wanted a perfect love story for us. Like that day was. Perfect. I lost them. I didn't knew what they were talking about. 
"Blue. I mean not more than White but better than Black."I wonder how someone reach to Blue from late-bloomer. I guess from flowers. I took out my wallet and peeked inside to realize I was empty. I couldn't let Kesha pay and I couldn't ask Sagar for money infront of her. It was getting more embarrassing as the bhaiya stared at me. It felt like he was telling me something.  I have seen many break-ups over this place. When you don’t pay and let her pay, you lose your impression of being a gentleman. You look like a loser!  I thought for a minute and I realized I seriously needed a good doctor. I thought way too much! I made an excuse that I needed water badly and went to ask Jaimin for some. I moved into the parking lot searching him in embarrassment. I paced towards the car and leaned over the shining gloss color of the hood were Jaimin and Taral kissing. I was not shocked. Yes, I was amazed. but I expected them to come together one day or another. I hide myself behind a car and went back. Surely they didn't noticed me. They seemed quite busy. I came back empty hand but my heart was full. It had been a beautiful evening. Sagar had a girlfriend. Kesha likes Sagar’s company. Jaimin and Taral will be a couple. Apparently, they already were. I was so happy. I drove the car on our way back. I wanted Jaimin and taral to sit together. Sagar was half asleep as he never had the capacity to stay up after eleven. Kesha was sitting by my side and I knew driving without watching the road is dangerous but on that night it was she, who was more important to me than my very life.